.:Wednesday, July 12, 2006:.
-Tempus Fugit-
Man, I can't believe it's almost a month since I last posted. Things with M and me are fine. There's not a whole lot of kink going on, or sex for that matter, as my daughter has been on summer vacation with no place to go, so we are never ALONE. Next month she'll go stay with her dad for a week or so, so we will do a lot of catching up then.
M has indulged me in my commitment to the animal shelter, and has even allowed me to foster a dog that they rescued. So now, as well as volunteering my time at the shelter, I am attempting to rehabilitate a very timid but sweet mutt. Our dog is tolerating her well, but the cat isn't that fond of her yet.
So I've been a very busy girl. I hope everyone who takes the time to stop by my here is doing well.
BTW, I took the photo above at a local cemetery and played with it a bit on Photoshop. I thought it was nice. :-) I love cemetery art.
.:Thursday, June 15, 2006:.
-The pendulum swings...-I'm slowly settling back into the right frame of mind. I'm checking out other blogs again. Visiting kinky sites again. It does me a lot of good to read kaya's site, and to be honest I had been avoiding it in my funk. (I cannot write that word without mis-typing fuck first!) It is what I want, and what I fear.
Now my meds are working in full force and I have risen out of my depression. I'm almost downright euphoric, so I'm gonna enjoy that while it lasts. In addition to the drugs I have begun a form of therapy that is just what I needed: I am now a volunteer at our local (no-kill, non-profit) humane society. Master approves, and said that it is "awesome" and "commendable". I absolutely love it. It's dirty work, but it is it's own reward. I'm scooping litter boxes, cleaning pens, feeding animals and walking dogs. I'll be working in the office, too. My absolute favorite part is when I'm cleaning the boxes in the kitten room, and before I know it I am covered in kittens, climbing up my legs and across my back and nibbling on my ears. So much cuteness that my heart could just burst. I'll be bringing my daughter with me on Fridays; she's gonna love it.
So.... I'm on the upswing again.
I'm going to change my layout in the next couple days; I need a change. I plan on using something from the marvelous His mija's collection of layouts. She rocks.
I can barely keep my eyes open now. I need sleep!!
.:Sunday, June 11, 2006:.
-Psycho Babble-
Insane ramble: Read at your own risk!
Okay, I took some time off until my serotonin level got back to where it should be. Fucking brain chemistry. Fucking health insurance. Thanks for the month of living hell, I'm glad it saved you a few bucks in the meantime. Bastards. Fuck. I had to increase my med dosage twice and now I think it's finally right. I feel like myself for the first time in a month or so.
I'm still not feeling very kinky, but at least I'm pleasant again. When I get into a funk I really begin to question the whole D/s thing, and I come up with answers that I know M would not like. I don't know, when I have those thoughts, if I'm being pessimistic or realistic. There have been times in my mind when I really wanted to call it quits.
Do I really want to be a slave? Am I getting anything out of this relationship? Sometimes it seems that I really have the raw end of the deal. Like I give up my happiness, for His. And that doesn't make sense, when I LEFT my previous marriage because I was unhappy and unfulfilled. To be honest, I did not enter into this relationship to be selfless and have no reward. I expected something I wanted in return. I wanted to be happy.
Now, when we first started out, I was very insecure. M helped me grow so much. I was able to work outside the home (I used to be somewhat agoraphobic), and eventually went to school to start a career I had only ever dreamed about. If it weren't for M I never would have become a nurse. I never had the confidence before. But now I have a job that I love. We have a house, I have my own car... it might not seem like much to some, but to me (and my upbringing) it's a lot. And I never could have done it without M.
The problem is, sometimes I feel that I have come so far, so why should I have to answer to Him? Is pride really so bad? Did I want to be submissive before because I lacked confidence to think for myself? Maybe I didn't want to take responsibility for my actions and decisions?
Sometimes I just grit my teeth until "playtime" is over. I just want to get it over with. Sometimes I just want to get sex over with. The last time we played I just couldn't do it. He had my hands bound behind my back as I laid on my stomach, and He started to hit me with the crop. I did not want any part of it. I squirmmed and sat up and told Him I didn't want to do this. Then I wrestled with my conscience and finally laid back down and tried to be good, until He hit me across the fucking knuckle with the crop and I lost it. GAME OVER. I sat up, and said I was not doing this. This was the first time we played in a long time, and I was downright panicked when He bound me-- claustrophobic panic. That was also the last time we played.
I get no pleasure from the crop. I fucking hate it, and I would gladly put them all out in the trash. Same with that fucking singletail I bought Him. But it's not about me, right? I am supposed to enjoy taking it for Him, no matter how much I hate it. No matter how much I want to beat Him senseless with whatever He's beating me with.
I want to enjoy what we do. I would love to be pleasured without sudden distracting pain that is a TOTAL come-down. Is that so much to ask? Does it always have to be one-sided?
Okay, I have written in circles leading to no where. These are just the thoughts that rattle through my head. Tonight, I dared to write them down for others to see. Read them, or don't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh yeah. The pic in the previous post was meant to convey these feelings to a degree. Does it make sense now?
.:Sunday, May 28, 2006:.
-TTFN-
"My Happiness Is Riding On Your Misery" by Luke Chueh.
.:Sunday, May 14, 2006:.
-*******-
.:Monday, May 08, 2006:.
-What's Wrong With Me??-Ugh. Today M and I had planned to play for the first time in AGES. The problem? I have absolutely no sex drive and pain just fucking hurts and pisses me off. I've preety much felt like a slug for the last several months, and now my sex drive has dwindled down to nothing. No amount of "pearl polishing" really stirred me today, which is highly unusual.
I had to switch anti-depressants recently, but I don't know if it's been long enough for it to effect my libido yet.
Fuck.
.:Saturday, April 29, 2006:.
-A Blah Saturday-M's daughter claims to have seen the error of her ways (she hasn't made the claim directly to us, as M and I have been ignoring her phone calls). I really don't believe her. She has a tendancy to say or do what she has to to get her way. Plus it's only been a week. She's just tired of walking to work.
My baby girl is sick today. All week we were looking forward to today, to go to the mall and fart around, and she woke up feeling like crap. Her temp is up to 102. Grrrr. I'm paranoid because there have been a lot of mumps cases in our state. So I shall watch her closely.
Damn dog's barking. Got to let her out.
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Name::k
From::United States
I am broken.
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