sweet surrender

Tempus Fugit

2006-07-12T01:08:00.000-05:00

Man, I can't believe it's almost a month since I last posted. Things with M and me are fine. There's not a whole lot of kink going on, or sex for that matter, as my daughter has been on summer vacation with no place to go, so we are never ALONE. Next month she'll go stay with her dad for a week or so, so we will do a lot of catching up then.

M has indulged me in my commitment to the animal shelter, and has even allowed me to foster a dog that they rescued. So now, as well as volunteering my time at the shelter, I am attempting to rehabilitate a very timid but sweet mutt. Our dog is tolerating her well, but the cat isn't that fond of her yet.

So I've been a very busy girl. I hope everyone who takes the time to stop by my here is doing well.

BTW, I took the photo above at a local cemetery and played with it a bit on Photoshop. I thought it was nice. :-) I love cemetery art.

The pendulum swings...

2006-06-15T01:53:00.000-05:00

I'm slowly settling back into the right frame of mind. I'm checking out other blogs again. Visiting kinky sites again. It does me a lot of good to read kaya's site, and to be honest I had been avoiding it in my funk. (I cannot write that word without mis-typing fuck first!) It is what I want, and what I fear.

Now my meds are working in full force and I have risen out of my depression. I'm almost downright euphoric, so I'm gonna enjoy that while it lasts. In addition to the drugs I have begun a form of therapy that is just what I needed: I am now a volunteer at our local (no-kill, non-profit) humane society. Master approves, and said that it is "awesome" and "commendable". I absolutely love it. It's dirty work, but it is it's own reward. I'm scooping litter boxes, cleaning pens, feeding animals and walking dogs. I'll be working in the office, too. My absolute favorite part is when I'm cleaning the boxes in the kitten room, and before I know it I am covered in kittens, climbing up my legs and across my back and nibbling on my ears. So much cuteness that my heart could just burst. I'll be bringing my daughter with me on Fridays; she's gonna love it.

So.... I'm on the upswing again.

I'm going to change my layout in the next couple days; I need a change. I plan on using something from the marvelous His mija's collection of layouts. She rocks.

I can barely keep my eyes open now. I need sleep!!

Psycho Babble

2006-06-11T23:41:00.000-05:00

Insane ramble: Read at your own risk!

Okay, I took some time off until my serotonin level got back to where it should be. Fucking brain chemistry. Fucking health insurance. Thanks for the month of living hell, I'm glad it saved you a few bucks in the meantime. Bastards. Fuck. I had to increase my med dosage twice and now I think it's finally right. I feel like myself for the first time in a month or so.

I'm still not feeling very kinky, but at least I'm pleasant again. When I get into a funk I really begin to question the whole D/s thing, and I come up with answers that I know M would not like. I don't know, when I have those thoughts, if I'm being pessimistic or realistic. There have been times in my mind when I really wanted to call it quits.

Do I really want to be a slave? Am I getting anything out of this relationship? Sometimes it seems that I really have the raw end of the deal. Like I give up my happiness, for His. And that doesn't make sense, when I LEFT my previous marriage because I was unhappy and unfulfilled. To be honest, I did not enter into this relationship to be selfless and have no reward. I expected something I wanted in return. I wanted to be happy.

Now, when we first started out, I was very insecure. M helped me grow so much. I was able to work outside the home (I used to be somewhat agoraphobic), and eventually went to school to start a career I had only ever dreamed about. If it weren't for M I never would have become a nurse. I never had the confidence before. But now I have a job that I love. We have a house, I have my own car... it might not seem like much to some, but to me (and my upbringing) it's a lot. And I never could have done it without M.

The problem is, sometimes I feel that I have come so far, so why should I have to answer to Him? Is pride really so bad? Did I want to be submissive before because I lacked confidence to think for myself? Maybe I didn't want to take responsibility for my actions and decisions?

Sometimes I just grit my teeth until "playtime" is over. I just want to get it over with. Sometimes I just want to get sex over with. The last time we played I just couldn't do it. He had my hands bound behind my back as I laid on my stomach, and He started to hit me with the crop. I did not want any part of it. I squirmmed and sat up and told Him I didn't want to do this. Then I wrestled with my conscience and finally laid back down and tried to be good, until He hit me across the fucking knuckle with the crop and I lost it. GAME OVER. I sat up, and said I was not doing this. This was the first time we played in a long time, and I was downright panicked when He bound me-- claustrophobic panic. That was also the last time we played.

I get no pleasure from the crop. I fucking hate it, and I would gladly put them all out in the trash. Same with that fucking singletail I bought Him. But it's not about me, right? I am supposed to enjoy taking it for Him, no matter how much I hate it. No matter how much I want to beat Him senseless with whatever He's beating me with.

I want to enjoy what we do. I would love to be pleasured without sudden distracting pain that is a TOTAL come-down. Is that so much to ask? Does it always have to be one-sided?

Okay, I have written in circles leading to no where. These are just the thoughts that rattle through my head. Tonight, I dared to write them down for others to see. Read them, or don't.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh yeah. The pic in the previous post was meant to convey these feelings to a degree. Does it make sense now?

TTFN

2006-05-28T01:56:00.000-05:00

"My Happiness Is Riding On Your Misery" by Luke Chueh.

*******

2006-05-14T11:43:00.000-05:00

What's Wrong With Me??

2006-05-08T13:34:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Today M and I had planned to play for the first time in AGES. The problem? I have absolutely no sex drive and pain just fucking hurts and pisses me off. I've preety much felt like a slug for the last several months, and now my sex drive has dwindled down to nothing. No amount of "pearl polishing" really stirred me today, which is highly unusual.

I had to switch anti-depressants recently, but I don't know if it's been long enough for it to effect my libido yet.

Fuck.

A Blah Saturday

2006-04-29T17:23:00.000-05:00

M's daughter claims to have seen the error of her ways (she hasn't made the claim directly to us, as M and I have been ignoring her phone calls). I really don't believe her. She has a tendancy to say or do what she has to to get her way. Plus it's only been a week. She's just tired of walking to work.

My baby girl is sick today. All week we were looking forward to today, to go to the mall and fart around, and she woke up feeling like crap. Her temp is up to 102. Grrrr. I'm paranoid because there have been a lot of mumps cases in our state. So I shall watch her closely.

Damn dog's barking. Got to let her out.

Life Goes On

2006-04-25T13:29:00.000-05:00

M and I finally had a little "play time" yesterday. It was LONG OVERDUE. He left some pretty marks on my tits with the short crop. I can take so much more abuse to my breasts than I can to my butt-- it makes no sense to me.

I love my Sir so much. All the stuff that's been going on has only brought us closer together.

Update...

2006-04-22T17:03:00.000-05:00

Master's biopsy results came back negative. WOOHOO!! That is an enormous relief.

I'm sorry I haven't been reading and commenting blogs lately. My mind has been scrambled. I still have knots in my stomach, and anxiety coursing through my veins, but they are intermittant instead of constant. M's daughter has called and tried to leave a guilt trip on His voicemail, but all it did was piss me off more. I have always been the mediator, the pacifier, the softy, wanting everyone to be happy, but she is going to see a whole other side to me the next time we have the misfortune to speak. Ugh.

Xanax has become one of my best friends.

Well, I'm off to work backstage at my daughter's class play.

Shit Hit The Fan

2006-04-19T13:31:00.000-05:00

So much for the reprieve. There's shit flying everywhere. M took the car back that we bought for His daughter, due to her being irresponsible. We have given her so many chances and I guess she finally used them all up. So now she hates Him and His parents, who have bent over backwards to help her out and have gotten screwed in return every time. She keeps calling me, but I can't help her. I can't give her money or rides, it isn't going to help matters, and I have a feeling that she might turn on me too if she doesn't get what she wants. This sucks so bad. She traded in her piece of shit car towards this one, and now is bitching because we took what was hers, her only asset. She forgets that we and M's folks put hundreds of dollars into that lemon to keep it going. For that, she tells me she didn't ask us to do it. Well she didn't tell anyone NOT to do it, either. She'll gladly take our help and then blame us for her accepting it.

This is such a fucking mess.

Spilling The Vanilla Beans

2006-04-19T08:36:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the title, kaya!!

We've been dealing with lots of drama from M's daughter. I've been trying my damnedest to keep them from disowning each other, literally. I take it upon myself to fix things. Yes, she makes some bad choices and stupid mistakes, but she is His only child, and even though it might be easier not to deal with her anymore, I don't think it would be right. Ugh.

M had His biopsy yesterday. He is very sore, and the vicodin isn't doing a whole lot for the pain. We should know the results by Friday.

That's about all that's been going on, but it's been VERY draining. I spent Monday night in tears about His daughter, and I only got 4 or 5 hours sleep. Yesterday, when M issued her a "reprieve", and after His procedure, I crashed on the couch for a three hour nap. I REALLY needed that.

Still Life

2006-04-17T11:35:00.000-05:00

I hardly ever post anymore because there's not a whole lot of a kinky nature going on lately. The really bad part? I don't mind. I have no submissive inclinations lately. I prefer my time alone. This isn't good.

I'm Still Here!

2006-04-07T07:40:00.000-05:00

There just hasn't been much going on. I'm feeling much better thanks to the antibiotics. My female problems turned out to be a false alarm. It was thought that a fibroid was causing the pain I get in my leg-- I was imagining a baseball sized tumor pressing on a nerve the way the ortho doc was talking-- and it turned out to be a piddly 1/2 inch across. So the source of my pain is still a mystery. Grrr.

M and I have been very "in-tune" lately, which is soooo nice.

Babble.

2006-03-28T13:17:00.000-06:00

I definately haven't been getting my vitamins lately! I'm now on antibiotics for a sinus infection and I managed to get freaking pinkeye as well. Grrrr. Fortunately I've been off work for a few days but if both eyes don't clear up soon I won't be able to work tomorrow. Fudge. I hardly slept last night because I kept coughing and coughing stuff up. YUCK!! TMI. M has been staying away from me so He won't get sick. I don't want Him to get sick either, but I really REALLY miss getting up close and personal. Even if I wasn't sickly, we can't play hard because of an impending MD appointment tomorrow. Female problems. Fooey.

Bitch, whine, moan.

M tells me I have a really good beating coming my way, and I'm a little scared. And a little excited. I wanna be bound and used mercilessly, damn it!!

Vitamin Injections

2006-03-25T16:03:00.000-06:00

I've been a sickly slave these last few days. I don't get sick often, let alone sick enough to call off work, but this time a cold got the better of me.

I have my own reasoning why I hardly ever get sick. Humor me. I tell M that it is because of the "vitamin injections" He gives me. Before I became His, I never swallowed semen. I wouldn't even let my first husband cum in my mouth. And I was sick all the time with colds and sinus infections.

Once I became M's, and began consuming His load on a nearly daily basis (at least 3 times a week now), the frequency of respiratory infections suffered by me decreased significantly. Semen is actually comprised of protein, vitamin C, zinc, and B-12, among other things, so it could possibly help. It couldn't hurt, anyway. Trivial Jizz Facts

Okay, who thinks I'm a complete nut?? (Um, no pun intended)

Thanks!

2006-03-22T13:37:00.000-06:00

Thanks to all for the birthday wishes. It was a nice, quiet day. There was no school due to snow so my daughter was home, and M called in to work, so we spent a day snowed in. I cooked chicken enchiladas and rice, baked a chocolate cake, and we watched The Constant Gardener. It was a very good movie, but sad. It made me cry.

M gave me my birthday spanking today; 36 swats with the slapper and one to grow on. It was fun, I got to squirm and try to get away... sometimes I like to struggle just to feel Him overpower me. Mmmmmmm...

M gave me some money towards a tattoo I want to get. I'm going to get some cherry blossoms and petals on the top of my foot. They are beautiful flowers, and they symbolize the beauty, frailty, and brevity of life, and also self-sacrifice.

My Natal Anniversary

2006-03-21T10:44:00.000-06:00

Happy birfday to me!

Cyber Hugz

2006-03-18T01:23:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've written a "kinky" post, so M said that He's going to have to fix that. But not tonight. It's been a hard week and work and M is already in bed. I'm finishing my wine and catching up on blogs. I've checked out a couple of my favorite blogs to find some surprising news. I'm sending well wishes and positive vibes to Taylor and padme.

Still The One

2006-03-15T13:35:00.000-06:00

I can't believe that M and I have been together for nine years now.
(sk breaks into song...)

"Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

M's biopsy isn't until next month, which I guess is a good sign. The doctor didn't think it was urgent, and he is the best in his field, so I believe him. It still sucks, though.

We haven't had the chance to play *hard* lately but M has kept me in line. In my place. ::happy contented sigh::

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I missed two great new holidays recently...
National Get Over It Day and Steak & BJ Day. Mark your calendars!

Get Busy Living...

2006-03-08T23:19:00.000-06:00

I really don't like to write when I'm not doing all that great because I don't want to be a whiner. But then all these thoughts build up in my head and make me feel even worse... ugh.

I've had a lot on my mind. There are issues that I thought were behind me have really been plaguing me lately.

Then I get a cosmic wake-up call. I went with M for a check-up and He has to have another fucking biopsy. He has been cancer-free for at least 12 years, but this is the third biopsy in six years. It scares the hell out of me. I have been stewing over a decision He made years ago, distancing myself mentally from Him, and then I get this slap-in-the-face revelation/reminder that He won't be around forever. I'm such a fool.

This just puts everything in perspective for me.

I love Him so god damn much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After I posted this, I saw the date and realised that yesterday was the nine year anniversary of M and I becoming Master and slave. I really have been distracted.

Off-topic Rant

2006-03-06T14:04:00.000-06:00

I enjoy going to cemeteries. They are usually quiet and beautiful places that are good for introspection. I like to look at headstones and memorials, read them and take pictures, and wonder about the lives lead by those now at rest there. I'm atheist, and I believe we only get one chance at this world. I personally find cemeteries to be sacred, in the sense that they are a person's final resting place.

So. Nothing pisses me off like finding headstones tipped by some stupid asshole who can't find anything more productive to do. Finally, some justice has been served:
Boy Trapped By Tombstone While Vandalizing it.

Bad Thought

2006-02-22T15:02:00.000-06:00

Am I the only slave to ever think to herself, during a beating, that I'd like to have just one crack at Master with whatever impliment He's got in the hand at the time? It's a bad, bad thought, and not a very submissive way to feel; but there are times before He reaches my "breaking point" where that evil idea enters my evil mind.

Back to Work

2006-02-21T11:40:00.000-06:00

I miss my days as a house slave.

Home?

2006-02-19T23:44:00.000-06:00

Thank you, kaya, for asking if I'm ok. It really meant a lot to me.

I'm still here, I just don't have much to write about. I suppose I could write about my day-to-day stuff, but I don't even find that interesting.

I've been working all week, of course, and Friday to Saturday my daughter and I went to visit my parents. Joy of joys. I hate spending the night away from Master, but it was better than Him spending the whole time bored out of His head. It was a nice visit. We never made it up there for xmas so we exchanged gifts. Visiting my folks is always a downer for me, though. My mom always brings up how much it hurt her when I left with my daughter to live with M. It will be nine years next month, I wish she would just let it go.

Since I've been back from the visit I've been kind of tense. And depressed. No wonder I only see them a couple times a year.

A New Day

2006-02-08T17:44:00.000-06:00

Whatever it was that crawled up my ass and made me such a bitch lately seems to have found it's way back out. I've just been horrible. I haven't been treating Master with the respect He deserves. I've been feeling kind of neglected, and like we were in a rut. Did I try to explain that to Him? Of course not. Was I behaving in a way that would encourage my Sir to want to give me attention? No. I just sat and stewed in my negativity. This all coincided with a couple weeks of no play, which surely played a part.

I started to feel slavely again last night. I thought I would surprise Master when He came home from work by being clean shaven, collared, and dressed in my short silky robe, waiting for Him at the door. The first words out of His mouth when He saw me were "Daddy likey!"

Today, we did things differently than we usually do. He had me wash Him in the shower, which was nice. I love the feel of my soapy hands all over His body, paying special attention to my *favorite part*.

Later He bound my tits with vet tape, cuffed my hands behind my back, and whipped the front of me. My tits, my tummy, my pussy, and my thighs all felt the sting of the single tail. That was a change of pace. He showed my tender parts no mercy, managing a perfect bullseye to my clit and many blows to the nipples. He left me with some very nice marks. He gave me one hell of a "tongue-lashing" and then fucked me hard. It was all soooooooooooooooooo nice. I fucked Him back as hard as I could and made some noises that I haven't heard me make before. Mmmmmmmmmm...

Anyway... I'm back. I wasn't visiting the blogs I like to read because they were just making me depressed with the mindset I was in. But once I started coming around, it was reading them again that helped put me on the right track. I make no sense.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw this and thought of kaya, for some reason... lol

Quiz!

2006-02-07T23:59:00.000-06:00

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears

"I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.

I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it."

You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

What Song Should You Strip To?

Perfect choice! I actually have this song set as the ringtone for when Master calls me.

Yup, I'm still alive. I've been wrestling with my inner demons (where do they keep coming from??) and making things difficult for my Sir.

2006-02-01T15:33:00.000-06:00

Another Monday

2006-01-23T12:03:00.000-06:00

Not a whole lot of kinkiness went on here this weekend, but it was a good one. M and I went out for dinner and drinks last night for our wedding anniversary. It was nice. We came home and watched movies, and that was nice too. We watched 40 Year Old Virgin (Steve Carrel cracks me up!) and Red Eye (very suspenseful). That was about it.

No playtime today, either. I have to go to work early and tidy the house before I go.

Happy Anniversary, Sir

2006-01-20T11:22:00.000-06:00

"All my soul follows you, love encircles you, and I live in being yours"
~Robert Browning

All Better

2006-01-19T12:58:00.000-06:00

All is right again in the world of MM and sk.

*sigh of content*

Another Day

2006-01-19T07:54:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was an off day for M and I.

We started to play and it just went wrong. To begin with, I wasn't expecting a beating-- it was close to His time to leave for work. Then, I felt that He was giving me conflicting orders and I got very frustrated. He got frustrated at my frustration and just... stopped. Got dressed and left the room.

Ouch.
That hurt more than the crop.

A little while later He told me to sit by Him on the couch. He told me to forget about it, and held me and stroked me and until I stopped crying. He told me we will try again tomorrow.

I just felt like such a failure. Ugh.

But today is another day.

It's Tuesday Already??

2006-01-17T11:07:00.000-06:00

It's Tuesday already?? Sheesh.

Master enjoyed the birthday well-wishes that He received here. Thank you, ladies! You made Him smile.

There hasn't been a whole lot going on here. Master had a good birthday. I was overstaffed at work and M, my daughter, and I went to a friend's house for dinner. We ate and drank and talked and watched a movie. It was nice. M didn't get to give me His birthday spanking (46 swats!), but I'm sure that will be coming sometime this week, after my doctor's appointment.

I've begun to change my eating habits. Journalling EVERYTHING I eat, and drinking more water. Baby steps. I'm trying to limit my calories, but not beating myself up when I go over. I'm thinking of starting a blog for this particular lifestyle change.

That's all for now. Just wanted to show some signs of life!

Happy Birthday, Sir

2006-01-14T11:26:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday, Sir!

Forever Yours, sk

A Paler Shade of Blue

2006-01-13T01:16:00.000-06:00

I'm almost back to my normal today. I wish I could say that it's because Master beat the funk out of me, but it's not. Just writing about it last night helped. Thanks to those of you who listened (er, read).

I was kinda bummed out this morning. After my shower I asked M if I should remain naked or dress. He told me to stay naked. Then I told Him that I was hoping He might want to lick me today (He being a Master of the Cunniligual Arts, and that being my favoritest thing in the world). He jokingly licked my boob, and then seriously told me to get dressed. My heart sank.

So I was wondered if I put Him off by telling Him what I desired. I know that it's up to Him, and I accept that. So we went on with our day. A while later I asked Him what He was thinking about at the moment, as He was looking contemplative. He said He was thinking about me, and that it wasn't anything bad. He wouldn't say what it was, though, which of course made my mind race.

So now I'm thinking that He's repulsed by me. My weight. I'm blowing up like a fucking balloon. I keep gaining. It's pissing me off. I have my physical coming up next week, just to make sure there are no underlying causes. I'm pretty sure it's just me. My thyroid always checks out okay. I wrote a while back about M monitoring my food intake but that has fallen to the wayside for now. I tend to be rather (okay, VERY) compulsive, almost OCD sometimes, so it's not just as easy as it should be to control my intake. So. The best thing for me to do is just ask Him if my weight is bothering Him, but I'm not gonna do it right before bed. It's all about timing.

Enough rambling. Nighty night.

In a Funk

2006-01-12T01:23:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling blue today and I don't know why. I'm ready to cry at the drop of a hat-- thankfully no hats have been dropped!! It shouldn't be hormomal, I'm over my period. Maybe it's Post Menstrual Syndrome. Fuck. I was out picking up a few groceries at Wallyworld, and I just got so sad watching the other shoppers. Maybe they were looking at me, thinking the same thing. It's like Eleanor Rigby was playing in my head the whole time. I don't like feeling like this.

I've been thinking about my blog. I don't really write anything deep and meaningful and personal. (Not that playtime and pictures of my ass aren't personal) I tend to leave that stuff buried deep inside of me. I don't talk about my inner me to anyone in "the real world", either. I'm a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, covered in a crunchy candy shell. I forgot where I heard that. Wait, on "News Radio". Gods, I miss Phil Hartman. But I digress. I work with the same people every day, people that I consider to be my friends, but I still feel like such a stranger. Anyhoo...

There's no point to any of what I'm writing. I'm just writing it to get it out of my head. I'm generally a pretty happy-go-lucky kinda gal. Sometimes my depression just gets the best of me. I have a secret ranting blog that I haven't written in for months where I would air my darkest feelings. I have to exorcize them so I can get on with my life. I haven't ranted there in forever because I haven't felt the need; plus, it can turn into a pity party and I don't need to bring myself down.

I would like to open myself up a little more, soon. Exorcize some demons in a more productive way.

Maybe I will.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a lighter note...

I can't seem to write or speak very well lately.

First, I wrote "In a Fuck", instead of "Funk" for a title (and I did it again trying to write "Funk" just now).

Master asked what I was writing, and I told Him, saying that I feel like I could cry at the "crop" of a hat. We were both cracking up about that. I told Him about the shoppers making me sad and He said that I'm weird. I told Him that's why He loves me... or that He loves me in spite of it. He puts up with so much of me being me.

I love Him so bob damn much it hurts.

Happy Birthday to kaya!!

2006-01-11T01:22:00.000-06:00

I'm sending a birthday wish out to kaya... Happy Birthday!! You are an inspiration to me.

Taggedy-tagged

2006-01-11T01:00:00.000-06:00

I was tagged by Taylor... here are my answers.

1. Have you had three-way or group sex? Nope, but I'd like to give it a try. I've fantasized about it a lot. M and I have considered adding a third, if we found the right lady.

2. Have you had sex during menstruation? Yes.

3. Have you had a sexual experience with someone of the same gender? Not really. I've kissed a girl, but it was for shock value at the time. I consider myself bi-curious, so that's something else I'd like to try.

4. Have you had sex in your parent's home? Oh yes. As a teen, and when M and I visit my folks.

5. Have you had hot interracial sex? Nope.

6. Have you masturbated in front of another person? A few times. It's something I'm actually shy about.

7. Have you had sex in a public place? Nope. Well, see question #11. That was always parked in public, and the windows weren't tinted.

8. Have you been filmed or photographed having sex? Yes. The videotape I thoroughly destroyed afterwards (it was with my ex) but I like the pics of M and I.

9. Have you had anal sex? Lots of it. Before becoming Master's, I was an anal virgin. He's cured me of that!

10. Have you masturbated today? No.

11. Have you had sex in a car? I had lots of sex in a van as a teenager. I guess that counts.

Anyone who wants to play, consider yourself tagged!

12:49 AM Tuesday Morning

2006-01-10T00:25:00.000-06:00

I found this name decoder on padme & Anakin's blog and thought I'd give it a go.

I can't believe it's Tuesday already (just barely, but it is). I was feeling very domestic this past weekend, and spent a lot of time cleaning and getting rid of crap we don't need. I've signed up with FlyLady to help me get the house organized and clutter-free. When things start to pile up around here M gets tense-- I think He is allergic to clutter. So this will benefit us both!

We can't do any heavy play for a little while because I have my "annual" exam coming up and I don't want to have any marks or bruises when I go. I'm sure Master will find other ways to torment me. Right now I'm waiting for a bruise on my ass to fade, or I'll have to think of a good excuse.

This is a busy month. M's birthday is Friday, and I don't have a clue what to get Him. He's ordered a new toy for His car, but I want to get Him something myself. Poopy. Our wedding anniversary is coming up soon, and so is my babygirl's birthday. I can't believe she's going to be 14. Eek. So much to do, so little money...

Humpday

2006-01-04T13:26:00.000-06:00

How can a fucking shoelace hurt so bad???

That's what I asked Master today as He gave His slave's ass more stripes with that cursed single-tail. It's just one skinny little strip of rolled leather, but DAMN, it's got a bite.

I don't think He's going to let much time pass between whippings anymore.

M read yesterday's post and said He didn't care for the first line. Today I felt Master's pain again. I hadn't really thought about it when I wrote it, but now I keep hearing Bill Clinton's voice saying "I feel your pain". So I think I'm gonna change it.

Thank You, Sir

2006-01-03T23:53:00.000-06:00

I get so apprehensive and scared when there's been a while between "playtimes". I'm afraid that I didn't take it as well as I could have but M had no complaints.

When I got out of the shower M had my collar and leash set out for me to put on. Then He got out the wrist and ankle cuffs, and had me retrieve the spreader bar. Eek. Panic starts to set in. He has me straddle the corner of the bed, hooked my ankles to the spreader bar and cuffed my hands behind my back. I saw Him take out the evil little single-tail that I gave Him for Solstice, and the short crop. Whimper. The single-tail is so much more wicked than I imagined it to be, and I have always had an aversion to the crop, long or short. I tried to mentally prepare myself for what Master had in store for me... and then He blindfolded me.

All-out panic. I HATE not knowing what's going to happen. He began with the crop. I struggled to push the bandana He tied over my eyes off against the bed, and begged Him to let me see. He continued with the crop. I cried out, sobbed... I asked Him if I could catch my breath... and He continued. Eventually He switched to the single-tail. SEERING pain. In between M would stop and let me suck His cock-- my pacifier. He would let me suck until I was calm and He would begin again. I told Him that I was sorry, that I was scared because it had been a while, and He understood.

When He was finished, He uncuffed me and took the blindfold off and laid down on the bed. I asked to join Him, and He let me up next to Him. I felt like such a failure. I cried and told Him I was so sorry for not being composed, and He wouldn't hear it. He was pleased with me. He said I did well. I love this Man.

I want to bear His pain gracefully SO MUCH. But it hurts, damn it! He has been pushing me further each time we play. He beats me harder, or longer, with less recovery time. My tears and pleas don't slow Him. And I am so grateful.
I think that He knows that I want to take it well, and He knows that I'm trying. Thank you, Sir.

This evening I'm left with some gorgeous welts across my ass and thigh, and a nice bruise from the leather flappy-doodle thingy on the end of the crop. I love the marks. I can feel them when I sit, which is a lovely reminder.

Not much

2006-01-02T22:29:00.000-06:00

It turns out that school doesn't start until tomorrow, so I have a day's reprieve from the whip. No telling what tomorrow holds...

My new collar arrived during the holidays. It feels sooo nice to wear a leather collar again. Right now I only wear it to bed, but I look forward to wearing it when we play again so M can utilize the lovely O-ring to lead me around by. Mmmmmmm.

We were supposed to visit my parents this upcoming weekend but plans fell through and I could just hear my mother's heart sink when I told her. Ugh. I feel like a horrible daughter. I see my folks a few times a year, and talk to them maybe a couple times a month, if that often. I just dread talking to-- make that listening to-- my mother. She's such a downer.

New Template

2006-01-01T20:55:00.000-06:00

I would like to thank ~His mija~ for the billionth kajillionth time for designing this template which I adore!!

Happy New Year!!

2006-01-01T00:29:00.000-06:00

(image courtesy of Kinky Cards)

Out of Sync

2005-12-29T10:45:00.000-06:00

There is such a thing as too much togetherness. My daughter's on winter break, M is on vacation, and I've been off work for the last five days. Lots of time at home but no time alone. No time to feel Master's pain which keeps me centered. So I've been bad. Unintentionally, but I've been bad. I've heard things come out of my mouth that were less than respectful to Master. I'm ashamed once the words come out, but it's too late then.

We've just been out of sync. He'll say or imply something, and it just soars over my head. Ugh. I hate hate HATE this. Monday things should return to normal. Back to the old routine. I'm looking forward to it and fearing it at the same time.

More Anais Nin Quotes

2005-12-29T01:12:00.000-06:00

"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me nave or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."

"It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before... to test your limits... to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

If you want to be a slave

2005-12-28T22:12:00.000-06:00

If you want to be a slave

I was wandering around the web this evening and found this thought- provoking poem by kaylee. I've seen the quote "If you call yourself a slave, will you obey even in fury or tears?" on Surrendered Whispers' site and always wondered what it was from. It strikes a chord with me.

Tagged x 2

2005-12-27T20:54:00.000-06:00

I was recently tagged by red velvet and now by His mija, and I think I'll do them both at once.
Here is red velvet's...

Here are the rules; The first player of this game starts with the topic and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals.
Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says “You are tagged!” (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.

The following may not be weird to you but they are to somebody.

1. I'm unnerved when my fingernails are jagged or uneven. I always have an emery board handy.
2. I HAVE to use my right foot first-- when dressing, walking, climbing stairs, whatever.
3. I'm addicted to lip balm. Burt's Bees especially. I can't stand my lips feeling dry.
4. I don't like lima beans but I'll eat butter beans.
5. I type, delete, and retype things a kajillion times before I'm ready to post them.

Now mija's:
UNIQUE
1. Nervous habits... I twist my wedding band when I'm nervous
2. Are you double jointed... Nope
3. Can you roll your tongue... Yes, though it's not as easy since I've had my tongue pierced.
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time... Not really.
5. Can you blow spit bubbles... Yes.
6. Can you cross your eyes... Yup.
7. Tattoos... Two. A slave kanji on my ass and a crappy tat I got when I turned 18.
8. Piercings... 12 ear piercings, a tongue piercing, 4 outer labia piercings and a hood piercing. And nipple piercings that migrated out. :(
9. Do you make your bed daily... Yup. As soon as we get up.

CLOTHES
10. Which shoe goes on first?... Right. It HAS to be the right.
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone... Not that I recall.
12. On the average, how much money do you carry... Under $20, if any. But I always have my debit card.
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7... All my body piercing jewelry, sterling sliver or stainless steel hoops in my ears, my tongue stud, my wedding band, and my 'nilla collar/necklace.
14. Favorite piece of clothing... Probably my red flannel jammie pants.

FOOD
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it... Twirl
16. Have you ever eaten Spam... Yup. Fried Spam.
17. Do you use extra salt on your food... Sometimes.
18. How many cereals in your cabinet... Two, I think.
19. What's your favorite beverage... Ice cold bottled spring water.
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant... Jimmy John's.
21. Do you cook... I love to cook. I don't do it as often as I should, though.

GROOMING
22. How often do you brush your teeth... A couple times a day.
23. Hair drying method... Root booster, round brush, and blow dryer.
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair... Lots. I used to be a hairdresser, too. Plus I was a punker chick in my youth. ;P

MANNERS
25. Do you ever swear... Yes. Especially when I'm driving.
26. Do you ever spit... I swallow.

FAVORITE
27. Animal... It's a tie between cats and dogs (if my fish sees this he'll throw a fit!)
28. Food... Chocolate.
29. Month... April. Or September.
30. Day... My day off.
31. Cartoon... Invader Zim. Then Family Guy. I LOVE cartoons.
32. Shoe brand... Um... I like my Quark's (lightweight foam nursing shoes). I would adore a pair of Doc Martin mary janes! But I prefer being barefoot.
33. Subject in school... Art.
34. Color... Dark red, like a garnet.
35. Sport... I'm not too sporty.
36. TV shows... Lost, Law & Orders, CSIs, Forensic Files, Cold Case Files, Animal Cops/Precinct. Crime shoes.
37. Thing to do in the spring... Pick out flowers from the nursery.
38. Thing to do in the summer... Walk through old cemeteries & check out the headstones.
39. Thing to do in the fall... Walk and kick through the crunchy fallen leaves.
40. Thing to do in winter... Bake. And drive around to look at christmas lights.
41. In the DC player... System of a Down's "Hypnotize".
42. Person you talk most on the phone with... Master.
43. Reading... Blogs!! And Entertainment Weekly.
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors... Nope.
45. What color is your bedroom... Beige. Tan carpet. Red and black bedding.
46. Do you use an alarm clock... Yes.
47. Window seat or isle... Window.

DUMB
48. What's your sleeping position... I like to sleep on my left side, but M determines which position I will sleep in.
49. In hot weather do you use a blanket... Nope, just a sheet.
50. Do you snore... Yes.
51. Do you sleepwalk... No.
52. Do you talk in your sleep... I've been told that I have on occassion.
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals... Nope.
54. How about with the light on... No.
55. Do you fall asleep with the tv or radio on... Either my MP3 player or to silence.
56. Last interesting person you met... A patient.

As far as tagging goes... Anyone who wants to do either of these memes... consider yourself tagged!!

Mermaids

2005-12-27T00:46:00.000-06:00

When I was in grade school, second or third grade, I drew what I felt was a beautiful underwater seascape. There was sand, coral, jellyfish and starfish and fish-fish. The centerpiece of this crayola and pencil work of art was a mermaid with long flowing hair. When I finished my drawing I took it up to my teacher to show her. She liked it except for the fact that the mermaid was topless, so she had me cover up the mermaid's boobs. I just remembered this, while looking around the 'net for fantasy art and thought I'd share.

Here's a gorgeous picture I found in my search:

Found at:

Just thought I'd share this too.

Night-night.

Out with the new, in with the old

2005-12-25T22:03:00.000-06:00

I missed my old template, so it's back. I missed the deep blood red and the sexy mermaid. If anyone has any tips on how to add an extra column to this layout I'd be thrilled.

I hope everyone had a great holiday, or just a great day!!

Xmas Eve

2005-12-24T13:54:00.000-06:00

I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend. Master and I had a very nice Solstice celebration. I fixed a great big brunch, and we had coffee and mimosas. Yum. We invited a friend and her son over to celebrate with us, and everyone had fun.

M got me the sewing machine I wanted. Woohoo!! I'm excited about learning to make stuff. Everything from curtains to corsets. Some nice serving wench-type dresses and tops.

As I already posted, Master liked the whip. I also got Him some leather driving gloves, the Walk The Line soundtrack, The Legend of Johnny Cash cd, a couple shirts and some flannel jammie pants and a thermal top.

My daughter liked the gifts we gave her. The only bad thing about the whole day was that Master's daughter and granddaughter didn't show up. She called hours later and said that she forgot. I would have been more surprised if she had shown up, truth be told. We didn't let it get us down, though.

Today we are just going to take it easy, and tomorrow we go to His folks' house. I have managed to pinch a nerve in my back and it's been giving me hell since yesterday. So I won't be doing as much work around the house as I was hoping to today. C'est la vie.

Take care!

An Accidental Early Solstice Gift

2005-12-20T12:44:00.000-06:00

Master figured out what my 'special' gift to Him was. When He went to purchase my new collar from the same place that I bought His gift (BDSM Gear), the gift was still in the bob damn shopping cart. Poop. He didn't say anything until I asked Him if He had any idea what was in the big box I had wrapped up for Him.

"Do you really want to know?" He asked.
I did.
"A single-tail."
"You Fucker!! How did You know??"

I was disappointed. I really wanted to see His surprise when He opened it. I jokingly told Him I was sending it back, and that I wouldn't give it to Him until Boxing Day. I cried a little. He decided to open it up and try it out.

I have to admit, I didn't want to give it to Him until the kid was on break from school so He couldn't try it out right away. Bad slave.

So He bent me over the bed and whipped my bum. It stung WAY MORE than I imagined it would. Then He had me get on my hands and knees on the floor while He sat on the bed and whipped me. I tried to crawl away but He clamped His hand onto my head and held me down. He gave me some very pretty marks and welts. This gave Him a very pretty hard-on. He let me suck on the Mastercock until He fed me His cum. Yummy.

I saw the whip in one of kaya's posts and thought M might like it. It's a short single-tail, so He can swing it in the bedroom or use it on my naughty bits. He does like it, and He said He'll use it often.

Eek.

Links

2005-12-19T22:33:00.000-06:00

Okay, I just found a couple of cool links courtesy of luna's blog.

Sensual Service - A Submissive Woman's Guide

Lucylastics Fantasy & Erotic Avatars I found this one through the Sensual Service link. Now I don't have to search the web blindly for kinky icons.

Just thought I'd share!

2005-12-19T21:33:00.000-06:00

The piercing needles arrived today. I'd like to give a shout out to Painful Pleasures for the exceptionally speedy service. Now we just have to find some time alone, because I know I'm gonna make some noise when Master does the piercings.

I wrapped up Master's 'special present' tonight. It's one that I prefer He opens when we are alone. I hope He likes it; I think He will. I'm excited about it.

Slave to the Kitchen

2005-12-18T18:49:00.000-06:00

That's what I've been today. We are having our Solstice observation on Thursday, and I was fortunate enough to get off of work today so I have a little extra time to prepare. I'm baking hella cookies today, and I'll have to do some major cleaning tomorrow. I have to buy the brunch ingredients, too.

Today I've baked Kolaches, peanut butter cookies with chocolate chips, and these big holiday M&M and walnut cookies. I made macaroons for Master last week. Oh, and holiday bark and chocolate-dipped pretzel rods. I haven't decided what to bake next. Maybe snickerdoodles. Or brown sugar icebox cookies. I'm having fun.

Needles and Collars

2005-12-17T01:08:00.000-06:00

There hasn't been a whole lot going on lately. M and I have had errands and appointments before work so there's been no real time to play.

Last night I finally ordered the 6 guage needles Master will need to pierce the slave pussy at least two more times. We have four 8 guage rings, so I ordered four needles. Soon He will be able to lace me shut. Yummy.

Master said that I will be getting a new collar soon, too. He had me look online for an assortment of collars and I emailed Him the links, and He chose the one He likes best. It's the one I liked the best, too. It's from BDSM Gear.

Ain't it purty?? I miss having a collar, a real collar. I have my necklace collar that I wear all the time, but I LOVE and miss a collar of leather and metal. I really like the big O-ring on this one. I can't wait to get it. I don't know when Master will be giving it to me, though. Anticipation...

2005-12-15T15:40:00.000-06:00

Okay, I've been messing around with this template all day long, putting in my links and stuff. I'm going cross-eyed now, but I think I like it. I added some vanil-links which right now pretty much consist of some twisted animation sites. What can I say, I'm twisted!!

I added one of my beloved Maneki Nekos, Japanese Beckoning Cats. I collect 'em.

The kanji posted is the same one Master had tattooed on my butt. You can kind of see it in the picture of my ass after the Evil Brush incident. It stands for 'slave', of course, and according to Violently's Kanji site it is also a pictograph of a "woman under the hand of a Master". Neat-o.

Anyhoo... I just wanted to personalize things a little bit.

New layout

2005-12-15T14:14:00.000-06:00

I'm not really a fairy person, but then I didn't think I was a mermaid person either. I am just obsessed with having a three column template and until I can figure out how to make one, or until mija's template site is up again, this will have to do.

Long Overdue

2005-12-12T12:32:00.000-06:00

This morning Master and I finally spent some quality time together.

When I came into the bedroom after showering and drying M off, the collar, leash, and handcuffs were laid out on the bed. I put on the collar and leash and kneeled (knelt?) on the floor waiting for M. When He was ready He lead me by the leash into the living room. I crawled along after Him. He sat down on the couch and allowed me to kneel in front of Him and suck on the Mastercock for a while. Then He told me to stay while He went to retrieve something.

Since we were by the couch I expected a nice OTK hand spanking. I should never assume to know what Master has in mind!! He came back into the room with The Evil Brush Gulp. He ordered me across His lap, positioned me how He wanted me and let loose.

I was not a very well-composed slave. I started squirming and crying instantly. I tried to push myself away from the blows, but that only caused my muscles to tense and the swats to hurt that much more. I begged Him to stop for a moment, and asked if He would warm me up a little with His hand. He thought about it for about half a second and continued with a torrent of swats with the brush in rapid succession. Bastard.

I eventually surrendered to the brush and used a pillow that was on the couch to muffle my cries. Of course my pussy was drippy wet after the first couple of blows. Traitor!! My pussy betrays me.

Because I was a good girl Master took me into the bedroom and licked my clit for a while, and then fucked me for a while, before allowing me to suck Him off.

My ass is so red that I can feel the heat through my jeans. I needed this SO BAD.

Oh. After my beating but before the sex Master led me by my leash to the scale and made me weight myself. Then He had me write "Master's slave weighs *** pounds, for now" on the dry erase board in the kitchen. I think that might have been worse than the spanking.

So now I am a happy slave, and I believe M is a content Master. All is right in our world.

Blue

2005-12-11T22:42:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling bummed and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the lingering emotion of last night's dream. I dunno. I just feel like I want to cry right now but I don't want to trouble M with my tears. They are welling up, though, and burning my eyes.

Go away!!

It's probably from the lack of "attention" lately, and the fear of the attention to come. I hate that. When M doesn't get to use me for an extended period of time I really start to fear the pain, even though it's what I need to get my head in the right place. It brings to mind a line from Tool's "Stinkfist":

I don't want it
I just need it
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive

I don't want it. I just need it.

Blend and balance pain and comfort deep within you til you will not want me any other way...

I need a good mind fuck, too.

A Weird Dream

2005-12-11T20:05:00.000-06:00

Last night I dreamed that Master was seeing another woman. The other woman was a young Anais Nin. I was furious and I called my best girl friend and told her I was leaving M and moving in with her. I trashed the house in my rage. The next thing I knew I was calm again, wondering what the hell I was doing. Then Master was there binding me very loosely in rope. He blindfolded me and put my in a cage and I sat there with my head bowed in shame. Some time passed and He opened the cage. I remember my heart aching because He didn't keep me locked in longer and punish me harder.

That's all. A weird dream.

Solstice Santa's Comin' To Town

2005-12-10T23:02:00.000-06:00

I'm almost finished with my solstice shopping!! Today I went for a girl's day out with Master's girlfriend. Hee hee. Actually she's a friend of ours both that He works with. I just like teasing Him. We were gone for half the day, and when I got home I collapsed on my bed and slept for two hours. When I woke up I wrapped all the presents. I was going to do some baking but now it's after 11 pm and I'm thinking it's too late to start. I'm going to start out baking some peanut butter and banana dog biscuits. I found a cute dog bone shaped cookie cutter at Target for a buck and I was inspired. I plan on making goodies for the humans in our life too.

M and I will soon have some quality time alone together very soon. WOO-freakin-HOO!!!!!! Something tells me I will be a very sore slave very soon.

Just Another Day

2005-12-09T18:17:00.000-06:00

I have actually had the house to myself for a few hours. I was called off today, M had to go in to work early and GG went to the mall with a friend. I did some holly-day shopping and that's about it. It was kinda nice taking my time wandering around Target without GG showing me all the crap she wants.

Now I'm just listening to music and waiting for GG to come home from the mall. I'm currently listening to Peaches Fatherfucker cd. It's really good in a bad way... or really bad in a good way. Minimalistic techno, with incredibly raunchy lyrics. I find it strangely addicting. One of my favorite lines: 'Come on baby baby use that thing/ You make my panties go ping', from the song "Shake Yer Dix".

Anyhooo... just wanted to post something.

2005-12-08T01:09:00.000-06:00

No time alone. M hasn't been able to beat me, so He has taken to pinching me mercilessly. I've got bruises on my tits and ass. I was giving M a quicky blow job when my daughter calls through the bathroom door that connects our bedrooms, "mom, can you come here for a minute?". Bob dammit. I told her no, I can't. She was upset. She took care of it herself. I checked on her afterwards and she was okay, but she wondered what I was doing that I couldn't help her. I just told her I was in the middle of something. Sigh.

Lack of Quality Time

2005-12-05T23:34:00.000-06:00

I finally got some cock today for the first time in, well, days, but that it an eternity in slave time!! M and I were 'taking a nap' and He let me suck His cock. Four days worth of cum shot into my mouth. Yummy. Still, I need to be used hard. I am easily irritated. M needs to beat that out of me.

Anyhoo...
Master and I ran around and did some errands together today. Our dog, our big 100 pound baby, has been itching and chewing like crazy so we took her to the vet this morning. Our big girl has a bad skin infection due to fleas we didn't know she had thanks to her thick black coat. I feel like a horrible mother. $200 later, she's been bathed and medicated and is on a course of antibiotics. Of course I have to treat the cat with some Frontline, too. Grrrr. Why does this stuff have to happen right before the blasted holidays? We just bought M's daughter a new set of tires for her car, because hers were slashed. That is her birthday and Solstice gift. Merry fucking xmas. I went out with my daughter and did some shopping for M. He has given me very few suggestions for what He would like, which makes it more difficult.

Was anyone else having trouble getting onto Blogger this evening? My site kept coming up unknown. I'm glad it's back; I've been needing to babble.

Nighty night.

2005-12-04T01:06:00.000-06:00

Too many days have passed without a whipping and I'm feeling a bit unslavelike. I'm hormonal as well, which just makes things worse. I snapped at M after a trip to Hellmart today. I made a snotty comment rather than simply ask for His help with the bags. I did apologize, but I still feel bad about it.

I just need to be used.

Blah

2005-12-03T01:27:00.000-06:00

This has been a rather bland week, apart from Monday.

We were having a disagreement about GG chatting online while we aren't home. He doesn't feel comfortable with it; I tried to convince Him that it's okay because I log all the IMs and GG doesn't really have any school friends that she cares to talk to, but I lost the debate. I know He is concerned with her safety. The 14 year old girl she's IMing could be a 54 year old man. You never know. So she can only IM when we are here.

It's off to bed with me. Night-night.

Quiz

2005-12-01T01:14:00.000-06:00

You are Rerun!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I snagged this quiz from Red Velvet's blog. It's surprisingly accurate. I never knew Rerun was so deep.
(Why do I think of What's Happening? when I hear Rerun? My age is showing!)

On The Top of My Solstice List...

2005-11-29T23:11:00.000-06:00

While looking at JT's Stockroom for gags I found these awesome bed frames:

I want one!!! It's a mild-mannered bed by day, a functional piece of dungeon furniture by night. Too cool.

she thinks she knows what she wants

2005-11-28T15:12:00.000-06:00

This morning after M and I showered, He sent me into the bedroom while He was finishing up. "Go put on your collar and leash", He told me. I got them out and out them on, all the time thinking 'Do we really have to do this today? I have to get ready for work pretty soon' (two hours from then, but I was rationalizing). I just didn't wanna play, but I was gonna be a good slave and do what I was told.

In no time Master had turned me into a puddle of mush. What do I know about what I want?? M worked me over harder than usual, not waiting for me to recover from the crop's blows. He got out the needles and I panicked. I was really not expecting this today. I whimpered and cried when I saw Him come at my nipple with the needle, screamed when it went through, and soared for the rest of the time. I can feel the endorphins wash over me after I am stuck. It's awesome. Sigh.

Master told me that I am always better after He uses me hard and it's true. A calm set in. I was a little edgy over the weekend for no known reason and this brought me back. He told me that I was getting too loud and He will definately need to get me a gag soon. Our bedroom is not far (8 or 10 feet?) from our horrible nosey busybody neighbor's house, and she would't hesitate to call the police. But it felt so good to let it all out! Oh well. We just need to start saving for our house in the country, where no one can hear me scream.

There's a lot of farm houses spread out around here between the "big" cities. When we go driving I look at these houses and imagine what it would be like. We'd have a barn where He could hang me up and whip me, with plenty of room to swing the single tail. No neighbors within eye- or earshot. It will be nice.

Turns out I was called off and I get to spend the evening with M and GG, my daughter. I'm going to make Quick Chick-n-noodle soup (I love Rachael Ray's recipes!) and we're going to watch War of the Worlds (awesome movie!) and Batman Begins. Sounds like a plan.

An Evening Out

2005-11-27T11:59:00.000-06:00

Last night M and I went out with a friend to see Walk The Line. We really enjoyed it. Part of the experience was the theatre we went to. Here in town there is an 80+ year old theatre where they still show cartoons before the picture, and they only play select films, and they have real butter on the popcorn. Yum. It was a good time.

I might write more later. The house needs tidied and I have to help my daughter with a social studies project. Fun!

Thanksgiving

2005-11-25T01:06:00.000-06:00

Turkey day went well. We slept in this morning, but I was still so tired all day. The ambien did nothing but make me groggy. Before we left Master sent me into the bedroom (He just has to point and I go), ordered me to strip and get on my knees and let me suck His cock. Yummy.

We went to M's folks' house and had dinner with His parents, M's brother and his family, my daughter, M's daughter and our granddaughter. Did I tell you I'm a grandma? Well, step-grandma, but that counts too. I get a kick out of calling M 'grandpa'. We also had a little birthday party for the baby because she turns 0ne in a few days and all of M's family was there so the timing was right.

When we got home I went straight to the bedroom and slept for almost three hours. Now I'm still up and M is in bed. I better be able to fall asleep tonight.

Oh, M did let me indulge today food-wise. Tomorrow it's back to more sensible eating.

I'm trying to get some ideas of what to get M for solstice but He's not really giving me any clues. I really really want a sewing machine but I don't know if He will get me what I want. We shall see... I'd like to be able to make my own scrubs for work, and skirts for home. M would like me to wear more skirts, and since I stopped working retail I don't really have any. Not any that I like. I wanna make my own clothes. Sexy BBW clothes. Easy access clothes.

I better get to bed. As soon as I lay down, M will roll over and wrap Himself around me. I love it. He even pinches my nipples in His sleep.

Nighty night.

The Fragile

2005-11-24T01:57:00.000-06:00

The Fragile (by Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails)

She shines
In a world of ugliness
She matters
When everything is meaningless

Fragile
She doesn't see her beauty
She tries to get away
Sometimes
It's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch her slip away

I won't let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
Hoping someone can see
If I could fix myself I'd -
But it's too late for me

I won't let you fall apart

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
...but they keep waiting
...and picking...

It's something I have to do
I was there, too
Before everything else

I was like you

For my daughter. A mother's love is so strong it hurts sometimes.

I want a tattoo of this on me for her. Without the saying in the picture. Maybe her name or 'I won't let you fall apart'. Of course that's not up to me.

I had the hardest time falling asleep last night, so M let me stay up longer tonight. He's already in bed. I've been farting around online and checked out my daughter's Xanga-- yes, I'm a horrible mom, I'm reading my daughter's journal. My mom used to read mine back in the day (when all this journalling stuff had to be done on paper!) and I hated her for it. But her Xanga's public, damn it, and I'm not my mom. I need to know what my daughter is feeling and not telling me about so she doesn't end up like I did in my teens. Anyway, what she wrote depressed me. Typical eighth grade angst, with back-stabbing "friends" and feeling all alone in a crowd at school. I can SO relate it's scary. She reminds me so much of me, but my mom was always in constant denial of any problems in the family.

I just want to take all of her hurt away. I won't let her fall apart.

Geez, I'm a bummer. I need to pop some Ambien and go to bed. Happy fucking turkey day.

I Wanna Be A Pain Slut

2005-11-22T23:24:00.000-06:00

(The title is to the tune of The Ramones' 'I Wanna Be Sedated'. At least that's the way I've been hearing it in my head all day.)

Today Master used the riding crop on me for the first time in a long time. There was a long while (a few months, at least) where we didn't play seriously because of issues we -- okay, I -- had and have since overcome, and my ass is extra tender. We've played with the short crops, the flogger, and the slapper, but I wasn't prepared for this. How could I forget the searing, cutting sting of that vile impliment??

He cuffed my ankles and my wrists, and laid me across the bed on my stomach, but I still managed to roll on my side after the first blow. I apologized for moving and regained my composure (as best I could) and position quickly, and He was understanding. He allowed me to recover between blows. I screamed and cried; wanted it to stop and to keep going at the same time. He left beautiful red welts. Yum.

Afterwards I was still kinda weepy. I'm afraid that I don't take pain the way that He would like me to. I can't sincerely beg for more, but I sure as well don't want Him to stop until He's ready to. I don't necessarily enjoy impact play but it makes me so goddamn wet. As M has said before, the pussy doesn't lie. Surrendering my body to Him is a wonderful thing. I love to feel His strength and power over me. I love being used for His pleasure. It's so hot and dirrty. Yum. I need to know that I am completely powerless. I just wanna be one of those slavegirls who cums from the crack of the whip.

Anyhoo... It's been three days and I have not eaten anything that Master did not give me permission to have. Yay!! That may not be a big deal for some, but it is for me. I will not fail Him. I will not fail myself. I'm pretty sure He will let me indulge on Thanksgiving, at least I hope He will. His mum is an excellent cook and there will be an obscene amount of food, and a good amount of wine as well. I'm really looking forward to it.

Weighty Issues: A Ramble

2005-11-21T08:16:00.000-06:00

Where has the time gone? This week I was actually called in to work rather than called off.

I've been reading in a couple blogs about Masters controlling their slave's food intake. M has tried this with me, at first with some success, but I have rather deep-seated issues with compulsive eating and His restricting me would make it worse. I've had problems with compulsive eating most of my life. I could blame it on my childhood. But now I realise that I'm not a child anymore and I can choose to deal with things differently now.

When I first became His, I lost a good 30 pounds without really trying. I think it was all the sex. Tee hee. He did restrict some foods and my soda consumption then, I went from maybe 8 cans a day to none. For our first year together I didn't have to work, so I pretty much didn't eat without M.

A few years back M made a decision for us that I did not agree with AT ALL. I felt betrayed. As a retaliation of sorts, I fell back into old habits and would eat forbidden foods behind His back. By this time I was working outside the home and had access to all sorts of forbidden foods. Over the last few years I have gained back that 30 pounds, plus 45 more. UGH. I was a big girl when He chose me, but now I'm bigger than I've ever been and I feel like I just don't fit in my skin anymore. I look in the mirror and someone I don't know is looking back at me. Some fat lady.

Soooo... It's taken me YEARS to come to terms with this particular decision. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of this. I've used it as an excuse for too long. I didn't agree with it, but I complied. But my passive-aggressive way of dealing with it has done nothing but build walls between us. Emotional walls, and a big, fat, physical wall. A while back I confessed my binging to Sir, and He hasn't been restricting because it would cause me to binge more.

Is this post going anywhere? I hope so. I am finally completely at peace with His decision. I see how I let food become more important that Master. I see how stupid that was. I'm embarrassed by my lack of self-control and my compulsiveness. M has put up with so much of my crap and been so patient with me. I was not being the best slave I could be.

Saturday night when M came home from work, I asked Him if He would be willing to monitor and restrict my intake again. I was all teary from my revelation, but happy. He was a bit confused; asked me if I remembered to take my Zoloft. I told Him I was fine, just very emotional. Now M is in control of my food again. If I don't bring my lunch to work I have to call and tell Him what there is to eat and let Him decide. I will be 100% honest about my intake; no more 'don't ask, don't tell' crap. I feel free.

Time Flees

2005-11-15T07:58:00.000-06:00

Is it Tuesday already? Sheesh. The weekend was fairly uneventful. M worked Saturday night, so I took my daughter to the mall for her Hot Topic fix. While there I found a pack of four stainless steel captive bead rings, 8 guage, on clearence for $9. Happy day!! My Sir had told me to buy some rings and needles this weekend, so this was perfect. Now I just have to order the evil 6 guage needles and we're in business. He will be poking more holes in me in no time.

Work was hellish last night. Our census is WAY up. Call lights were lit up like christmas. I think the only time I sat down was when I went to lunch. Ugh. It felt soooo good to come home to M's welcoming arms. Sigh. Lucky slave, lucky slave, I'm a lucky slave...

Saturday Afternoon

2005-11-12T13:36:00.000-06:00

I'm still here. I've been working and my daughter's been home from school so there hasn't been much time to post.

The past few days I have been reading Sarah's entries in her blog Submissive Reflections recounting her wedding day. It's absolutely beautiful. I can picture it all. Go read it, now!!

M and I had a courthouse wedding. Just us, and our daughters. We had lived together for two years before we finally got married (waiting for divorces to finalize), but I still cried when we got to the "I do's". It meant so much to me to have His name, to be His wife. It still does.

I think this is kinda neat...

2005-11-08T15:53:00.000-06:00

Slave Ownership and Registration Certificate

Marlene Dietrich

2005-11-08T07:25:00.000-06:00

"To be completely woman you need a Master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it's no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long." ~Marlene Dietrich

The Pussy Doesn't Lie

2005-11-07T15:02:00.000-06:00

As I suspected, M had some delightful torturous play in mind for me today.

He sent me in to shower and when I finished and came into the bedroom He already had an assortment of toys out. As He showered I got out the spreader bar and the ankle cuffs as He requested. When He finished showering, I dried Him off and kissed the Mastercock (that's a daily ritual in itself. I dry Him of, kiss His right nut, left nut, and then the Mastercock), and waited in the bedroom for Him.

He worked me over well. He hooked my ankles up to the spreader bar and cuffed my hands in front of me. M had me lean on my elbows and knees on the bed and cropped my ass hard. In between swats He put the clover clamps and clothes pins on my cunt.

After a while He cuffed my hands behind me and stood me up on my knees on the bed. I must have looked scared, because He asked me if I knew what He was going to do. "Crop my boobs?" I have some very striped boobs now. I thought He was done torturing my tits when I saw in the mirror that He was getting out the needles. Our first needle play! He pushed the first needle through my right areola and I yelled "OW! OH GOD OH GOD Oh... hey, that wasn't that bad." He pierced both nipples and my labias with the 24 guage needles. I was in heaven. I was flying.

There was lots of clit licking and cock sucking throughout. I absolutely love how hard He gets when He uses me like that. There's hard and then there's HARD. It is a thing of beauty. He let me suck Him off and swallow a nice big load. Yum.

It still amazes me that as much as I do not enjoy the sting of the crop (or whatever impliment He chooses)-- it does not feel 'good' to me-- it makes me so damn wet. I left puddles on the bed. Master says 'the pussy doesn't lie'.

Rambling & Piercings

2005-11-05T01:25:00.000-06:00

I went back to work today and they sent me home after half a shift. This is getting to be a problem. Sure, I'd rather be home, but I need the money. I really like where I work and I know things will pick up again, but possibly not until January when we have lots of flu and pneumonia patients. I've been thinking of doing some home care or something for money on the side. I dunno. I've used up all my vacation time for the days I've been overstaffed, so now I'm just losing money. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Anyhoooo... nothing much going on at home today. M seems to be in a better mood. He let me suck His cock today, which is always a pleasure. Yum. We are both off on Monday; I'm hoping for some playtime then. He has been looking at pictures on Kaya's site and getting too many wicked ideas. A while back I obtained a bunch of hypodermic needles and methinks He may like to use them soon. Eek!! We haven't done any play piercing before.

We've done real piercings, though. He has pierced my outter labias Himself four times. I have two rings on each side, plus a clit hood piercing that we had professionally done. That was my first one. He's planning on doing another set of labial piercings soon. He'd like to be able to lace me up, or lock me shut. To save the trouble of gradually stretching the holes Master likes to pierce me with an 8 guage needle and put in a 10 guage ring. Wicked bastard. It hurts like a motherfucker but I am so happy when I have the new jewelry in. I'm hoping He will want to pierce my nipples again sometime soon. We had them done several years back bit the rings migrated out. That sucked. This time we'll try titanium barbells instead of stainless rings and see if it makes a difference. Babble.

Time for bed.

Still Thursday

2005-11-03T19:15:00.000-06:00

This is the last day of my mini-vacation. I've been off for almost a week because I was overstaffed in between my days off. I was asked to come in for a few hours today but I had other plans (my plans were not to work!). So I've cleaned some more tonight. Cleaned out under the bed; I had a kajillion books and old journals under there. I also cleaned the walls in the bedroom-- there was still blood splatter from the last time we played. Just kidding!!! There was some fuzz creeping up the walls. Yuck. I know how much M likes to come home to a tidy house and I have really been neglecting my housework the last few... months. It's such a little thing that makes such a big difference, and I have been so freaking lazy and self-absorbed that I wasn't doing it. Ugh. So the last week I've been doing some hardcore cleaning and picking up every day to keep it nice. I realized that to do otherwise is disrespectful to Master.

M has been depressed today and I feel so helpless because I can't make Him feel better. It's situational and it will pass, but it hurts to see Him so sad. Poopy.

Thursday

2005-11-03T07:59:00.000-06:00

I need more sleep. I got to bed at two this morning and the dog woke me up before seven. Grrrr. Once The Child gets on the bus, it's back to bed for me, to curl up under the covers with Master. Mmmmmmmmm!

Yesterday I went through all of our toys and gave them a new home in a dresser drawer. It took me down memory lane, going through the old toy box. Before I came to visit Master that first time He went out and bought us an assortment of things to play with. Neither of us had been in a BDSM relationship before we met, so we were starting from scratch. I still have the first collar He ever put around my neck, but I disposed of the two He has given me since then. Sleeping and sweating in a leather collar for a couple years can make it very funky!! So right now I am without a "at home" collar. But I always wear the "outside" collar that He gave me for solstice last year-- a delicate white gold and diamond letter "M" pendant. When anyone at work asks what it stands for Mark, which is Master's first name. It stands for Master, and Mark is my Master, so I'm not telling a lie.

I had a co-worker laugh in disbelief and ask me how long He and I have been married, because we'd have to be newlyweds for me to want to wear His initial around my neck. I told her we've been married for six years, together for eight. It made me sad for those in typical vanilla relationships, who have so little respect for their partner. And it helps me to remember that when I start to slip into old vanilla ways.

Time to hop back into bed to be with my Sir.

New Layout

2005-11-03T01:44:00.000-06:00

I was going to update my last post but then I realised it's already another day. I've been working on getting this template to work and putting all my codes and URLs in and lost track of the time. I must say that I am pleased with the finished product. My hat's off to Blogger Templates by Caz. Awesome templates already coded for Blogger.

Anyway... I better join Sir in bed. I pixed Him a shot of my bruised bum while He was at work and He was pleasantly surprised.

Nighty night.

2005-11-02T21:06:00.000-06:00

M used me well this morning. (sigh of content) He warmed me up with His hand, then moved on to the flogger (yum!) and the evil bamboo back scratcher. That left marks. I'm soooo happy to have them. It's been too long. M is so patient with His slave. Then He gave me a good tongue-lashing and let me suck Him off. It was quite nice.

2005-11-01T23:36:00.000-06:00

I'm going cross-eyed staring at the computer screen trying to figure out how to make my own template. It's taking me a while, but I will do it!!

Things have been running so much better lately, since I've got my head in the right place again. Our moods have improved, and I'm more productive. The house is clean and staying that way, and I'm sleeping better and getting out of bed earlier. I have a feeling I have a good ass whipping coming soon, maybe even tomorrow. I suspected that we were gonna play on Monday, but M's daughter needed help and I was gone with her most of the time that my daughter was at school and we would have had time alone.

I've been searching the web for D/s discussion groups or boards, and I'm not finding much out there. Back in the day I was active on a number of lists, but they kind of fizzled out and died. A lot of the links that look interesting on other peoples' sites are dead links. Poopy.

Today I went to the Submissive Women Speak website for the first time in years. The Polly Peachum and Countess VelVEEta writings there helped me a lot when I started on this journey, and it will do me good to read them again. There was an awesome article called
The Healthy Female Submissive by Yaldah Tovah, MD., that I definately recommend. There are a few quotes that I really like...

"There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked."

and...

"Submissiveness is a strength seeking a proper context."

I'm Back!!

2005-10-30T23:11:00.000-06:00

It's only been seven months. Almost eight. I suck.

We went through a sticky patch again, thanks to me. Now I'm getting my head back into the right space and I think that journalling will help me a lot. Unfortunately I've been trying for the past two days to log on because I forgot my user name for this blog. D'oh! I'm brilliant. But I figured it out, and I'm here to stay. Woohoo!!

Bad things happen when I start to withdraw into myself and begin to feel like a martyr. I do so much for Him, I give up so much for Him... what does He do for ME?? When I finally escape from my pit of self-pity I can see all that He does for me, and all of my crap that He puts up with. I'm so sorry, Sir. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.

You keep looking but you can't find the woods, while you're hiding in the trees...

My Butt Hurts

2005-03-04T01:04:00.000-06:00

It's been waaaay too long since I posted. Slacker slave. Life gets in the way. Anyhoo... Master gave me quite a whipping today. It has been a while since we've had some time alone, and M took advantage of it. It started out to me as just a cocksucking (which I was looking forward to; I love the Mastercock), but then M got out the vet wrap and bound my legs together and my hands behind my back. I lay on my stomach on the bed with His cock in my face for me to lick and suck. Then He got out a crop and let me have it. They were very very hard blows, as He wanted to leave marks on me. I thought He was going to give my ass a horizontal crack, the blows were so hard. But they weren't the only thing hard at that moment. Master was so hard from beating my bottom that I couldn't wait to take Him in my mouth again. He eventually gave me what I wanted-- a big load of cum in my mouth and a hot, throbbing, bruised ass. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T12:22:00.000-06:00

Damn it, it's been too long since I've written. Life is being hectic. Anyway... I thought Master and I were just exchanging cards today but He surprised me with a gift. Master bought me "Henry and June", one of Anais Nin's journals. I'm a happy slave. I started reading it right away. Then I gave Sir a Valentine's Day blow job. I'm sure I would have given Him one anyway, regardless of the day.

Something Different

2005-02-02T15:23:00.000-06:00

This is something from Kindlings that I wanted to do...

Something different:
1. What is your favorite scene from a book or movie that evoked a sense of your slavery?
~~My earliest submissive stirrings occurred when watching old Hammer Studio Dracula movies starring Christopher Lee. I would imagine being one of the buxom, corset-clad women who would become mesmerized by the vampire's gaze, eagerly offering their necks and bodies to him.

2. What song or lyric reminds you of your dynamic?
~~There are a few, but I think I like "Stinkfist" by TOOL the best.

Here's a snippet:
"...I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we'll be
Well upon our way.

Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
Till you will not have me any other way.

It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To feel, to breathe, to know I'm alive.

Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to.
Relax. Slip away...."

3. What is your favorite quote?
~~It's by Anais Nin, up at the top of my blog next to the orchids.

4. What is your favorite form of service?
~~Um, sexual. I love being His slut.

5. Do you have any phobias?
~~I don't like spiders very much.

6. Do you want to get past your phobias, or accept them and work around your fears?
~~I'm better now, I can kill a spider or at least suck it up with the vaccuum if I have to.

7. How do you communicate when you are angry/upset?
~~It depends who I'm angry/upset with. If it's MM, I might sulk. I Tend to keep things to myself as I'm not really confrontational. I can be a bitch, though.

8. How does your owner expect you to communicate when you are angry/upset?
~~He expects me to speak to Him respectfully and without an attitude, which isn't always easy. But no one ever said this would be easy!

9. Do you ever feel 'pet'like?
~~Not so much.

10. Do you prefer dogs or cats?
~~I like them both. We have one of each, though I'd like to have more. I'm an animal person.

11. Do you prefer 'sting' or 'thud'?
~~Thud, usually. I prefer the flogger to the crop if it's for _my_ pleasure, but the sting of the crop for Master. I love how hard it gets Him.

12. What aspect of your life is hardest to surrender control over?
~~Food. Sigh.

13. Do you function better in a structured environment or a 'go with the flow' type of environment?
~~Structure, definately. I like to go with the flow within a structured environment.

14. When do you feel the most beautiful?
~~When Master kisses, caresses, and bites the parts of my body that I don't really like (tummy, hips).

15. When was the last time you cried?
~~The night before last. Damn hormones.

16. How many M/s dynamics have you been in?
~~Just this one.

17. If your current one ended, would you seek to be owned again?
~~Maybe. I don't know.

18. Were you seeking ownership in any of your dynamics or did it occur as a natural progression?
~~We knew what we were getting into.

19. Do you make resolutions- at new year's or any other time of the year?
~~Nope.

20. Do you believe in 'forever'?
~~Yes. Not in the sense of an afterlife, but in this life.

2005-01-31T22:53:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling kinda blue all of a sudden. I'm hoping it's hormonal. I'm a little sad that my baby girl just turned 13. I can't believe she's 13!!! My baby!!! Sigh. I want the best for her, I don't want her teenaged years to be as difficult as mine were. I want her to be happy and self-assured, and I never want her heart to break. Damn it. I don't wanna cry, but I am so I guess I need to. My sweet baby girl.

I think I'll take a Xanax and go to sleep.

Tomorrow is here

2005-01-25T13:20:00.000-06:00

and everything's better. Master and I talked, and then He used me and marked me with the crop. The marks lasted until the end of the day. (happy sigh)

When there's tension between us I just feel sick. I hate feeling like a vanilla married couple. I'm glad things are back the way they should be... with me kneeling before Him, and the crop in His hand...

2005-01-24T13:40:00.000-06:00

MM and I had a disagreement this weekend. I didn't handle it as well as I could have, but I was so frustrated that he could not see (understand, agree with) my point of view. I went down to the basement to cool down and ended up sitting there for half an hour or so. I wrote out what was on my mind in a notebook that was down there, I don't know if He read it or not or if it makes any difference.

It left me feeling badly, and we were just kind of "off" today. Not in tune with one another, and I absolutely HATE that. Oh well. Tomorrow will be better.

Just another snowy Saturday afternoon

2005-01-22T15:09:00.000-06:00

I need to start writing in here regularly, damn it! Not too much going on today. Yesterday was my Piglet's first show choir competition, so that kept me busy all night long. In the a.m. yesterday I babysat, and then M had to go into work early, so there was no kinkiness to be had. Oh well. I still know my place.

The other day was our wedding anniversary, and coincidentally the day that our new wedding bands arrived. Engraved on the inside of my ring is "PROPERTY OF M***", which I absolutely love.

I'm off to do laundry and start on dinner. A slavegirl's job is never done! I'm fixing Steak and Guinness Pie at Master's request. Yum. I'll probably make green beans on the side, and we're gonna have warm brownies ala mode for dessert. Yum! Not quite a diet-conscious meal, but I only really get to cook for Him on my weekend off, so I like to indulge.

TTFN.

2004-12-09T23:51:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Master and i spent some quality time alone together. The child was at school, i was off of work and Sir didn't have class. It was soooooo nice. He bound my breasts up good and tight, and laced string through my labia piercings and then tied the strings around my thighs to keep my pussy spread. He gave me a fabulous tongue-lashing and worked on my ass and tits with the short crop. Ye gads, it hurt, but i needed it so bad. It felt like He was breaking the skin, it stung so sweet, but no blood was drawn, just beautiful welts.

i love what we have. i need His power over me; i'm lost without it.

Where Do i Begin?

2004-11-28T01:23:00.000-06:00

Okay, i'm looking for a blog-server-thingy that i like. There seems to be many D/s oriented blogs on this one, so i'll give it a try...

i'm a 34 year old female, owned by my Master for almost eight years. i am also His wife of almost six years. Due to extenuating circumstances (college+working fulltime+home+family= HELL!!) i lost focus on our relationship for a while, but now we are back again at full-force.

It feels so damn good to know my place again, kneeling before Him in surrender. i am SO content. i feel like i did in the beginning of our relationship, but somewhat wiser. i have been so wrapped up in myself, to the point of distancing myself, and He has been so patient and forgiving. i am such a lucky girl!! i adore Him. i need His control. i am a mess without it.

That's all for now. i better join Sir in bed.